"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements and keep it safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable".

- C.S Lewis, The Four Loves

***

irredeemable... irredeemable actually sounds good.

***

im terrified now. by you. by who you are.

and by who i am.

-------

comment: alam ko kung san ka nagbabasa.
reply: o. ngayon?

1. kung bading ka, lumayo ka sakin.

2. kung magandang babae, sana si kwan ka na lang. kung hindi, sorry.

3. kung magandang lalaki naman, ako naman e hindi bading. so sorry pa rin.

4. pero kung may ilalapit kang project na kikita ako nang legal at nang ayon sa aking credentials, at wala kang ibang "nakakagulat" na pabor, sige, lapit!

***

if and when i would die, i'd like to  be cremated. then someone please scatter my ashes at a quiet, grassy place, plain, or pasture where there's a river. or a quiet cove. malay mo, mali pala ako at may kaluluwa talaga. e gusto ko dun para okay tambayan ko.

my choices as of now:

1. that cove in magsingal, ilocos sur that you get to only through the narrow backroad beside ms. agueda tomaneng's house.

2. that part of the river in lapog where izzy keeps a tilapia pond.

3. one of the islands on the way to arrecefi island in palawan. or arrecefi island.

4. gino dionisio's place in matabungkay, batangas.

5. that road that shortcuts from tuguegarao, cagayan to roxas, isabela. somewhere where there's a river.

isip pa ako. marami pa ako alam na lugar, pang-solitude effect. katas (appropriate ba tong salitang to?) ng pagiging gala ko. di ko lang maalala ngayon.

***

what's this rumor circulating that ust either paid cold cash  for warrior bonbon custodio to give away game one or break team rules so warriors team officials would suspend him from game two of their uaap f4 games against the tigers?

ue fans, first, go crucify your very own team manager and school evp, carmelita mateo. it was she who told the media that it was ue team officials who suspended custodio. if there really is an irregularity, she might know something about it. if not, and/or in the alternative, go have a word with the ue team officials.

offhand, i find it strange and a little far-fetched that ust's ermito de sagun, o.p. and mateo would be conniving bedfellows.

and where's proof? it's not what you allege. heck, it's not even what you know. it's what you can prove.

i hate roaches. especially the wall-climbing kind. and i hate how they come out after i clean the apartment.

***

i wonder how safe aftershave can be on the human skin after discovering that it eats right through varnish. probably similar to those rumors about coca-cola being corrosive and all that stuff. i tried those things by the way. none of them worked. sana mamatay na lang pamilya ng mga nagkakalat ng ganoong panic-inducing rumors. ngayon naman c2. yung triangle daw sa baba ng botelya is a sign of a corrosive substance. TANGA! that's the recycle sign. jeez. for the sake of humanity, i hope whoever started that and those who believe without checking facts die, and their families, too. or at least may they be sterile.

***

would you run rather than do the very thing that would prevent anything from making you run in the first place? or use the verb avoid or hide instead of run. and how do you explain unanswered calls and messages if you're not guilty of being in bad faith?

***

at least i am not presumptuous enough to force myself into places and situations where ive been told im not wanted. no amount of false charm with ulterior motives will get you liked. especially when the motive is so blatant. mantakin mong magmemessage lang kung may gusto.

***

insecurity can be very good for one's health, success, and well-being.

***

tell if you like, tell likewise if you would rather die. so no one wastes time and effort.

***

well, perhaps being horny has a way of getting to you. some people just think it's sinful to admit it and say it in black and white.

***

viral sicknesses. interesting lot. no cure.

***

invites get you places. suddenly people exist, too. in good ways and not-so-good ways. notice i didn't say bad or evil?

***

and i guess the ultimate lesson as of this writing is, a caged or threatened feral animal will be dangerous and ready to fight to the death. so understand, good fellows, that survival can bring the most base out of a person. in civil and other matters. and i am no exception.

----------------------------

that's a very interesting designation. i am sorry i cannot say whether i am okay or not. that's relative. so i will say i am relatively fine. as always.

***

last saturday i attended, very assumingly, f. sionil jose's wassail for premier singaporean novelist suchen christine lim. and while the food was exquisite despite its utter simplicity, i weaved my way between giants who have carved their names in stone on the face of philippine literature. i thank the gods for the gracefulness of some: jun cruz reyes, the hosts themselves, maam tessie and "manong" f. sionil jose. they kept me quite comfy.

why shouldn't i be uncomfy? i haven't published anything of worth. like i told the ever-lady-like (in more ways than are connoted by the term) chari cruz lucero, my erstwhile (tor)mentor in iligan years ago, i was merely there to expose myself to people i'd still like to be, after i am done becoming a lawyer. she was very encouraging. thank you, maam. 

speaking of lawyers, i finally met nick pichay, a lawyer and the only one i know who has a recognized name in the literary scene. ah you're from the other school he said, and for once in my pathetic life i did not defend my beloved ust (yes, despite everything i hate about it; more on that later). perhaps that was because of this relative state of being okay that i'm always in. whatever. 

premier or other school or not, i promised suchen lim (a very nice lady) ust will invite her the next time she drops by manila. ust (especially v) people be alert. oo nga pala, maam ophie, suchen knows you. so let's be alert, invite po natin sya next time. we are not just the other school.

***

if by being a lover of fate is meant acceptance of fate, then i am a lover of fate. but to look at it from another point of view, i am an advocate of decision, with the qualification that sometimes, we are just too human to be able to do or change anything. hence, my acceptance of fate. ganyan talaga ang buhay. and no, glad, that is not a new expression.

-----------------------

never let go of anyone that you couldn't go a day wihout thinking about...

- "never" implies that this happens all the time. even with different people one at a time, "never" utterly destroys the romance in the statement. the better phrase is "do not". it may not assure that in an entire lifetime, the subject only has one person in his/her heart, but it focuses on a particular time when you are head over heels in love with a particular person. "never" connotes a more frequent practice.


there just might be a very good reason why there always on your mind...

- the second "there" should be "they're", obviously. that reminds me. the "couldn't" in the first sentence should be "can't". but that's really nitpicking, now. hey, i make mistakes, too, don't worry. as to the very good reason, well, there might not be, too. the desire is the reason. further reasons that will back that up can be anything, like, i like/love/want her because she's this. when you are hit in the gut with love and love consumes you  before you can get rid of it by consuming/digesting it (like coffee, they say), everything is a reason. that makes it nothing, too. it's just the fact that it's her, that's all. she may be uncouth in some manners and you are not. she may be heavier than you are. but that's her. no need for a reason. except when she's there, everything just... oh i dunno.

sometimes it is the brain that knows too well what the heart is trying so hard to deny

- isn't that the other way around? at least figuratively. because anatomically everything including the conflict lies in the brain. but back to the figure of speech. di ba nga baliktad? the heart does not think. it does not distinguish. cor non distinguit.

sya. thanks for the thought.

------------------------

"but what sort of man am i? i have thrown away mores at a whim, becoming, instantly, that which i feared: a ghost -- unknown, unknowable, who lures and keeps persons willing and unwilling alike from those that love them."  - peredo, ghost

***

how do you deal with a ghost? a no one? a person who seems to exist but has no context? a two-dimensional cutout against a background of reality?

you don’t . you do at the risk of getting hurt.

a ghost might exist somewhere, might be real somewhere. his home, perhaps, where he is more real than anywhere else. where he is more tangible than anywhere else. beyond that, he’s a passing breath. a what-could-be. but always a what-is-not. at the most, an incomplete story. or a mere story, for that matter.

ghosts may leave a mark. or make a presence. struggle to be felt. because ghosts, by their very nature, want to be felt. should you reach out?

remember that a ghost is no one. a person who seems to exist but has no context. a two-dimensional cutout against a background of reality.

a breath against your tangible hand.

stay away.

but remember, if ever that is painful for you, that you are not the only one hurting.

--------------------------

just things flying between me and friends:

oo inaamin ko. sila ay mga yakal, lawaan, apitong, at narra. at kami ay saging lang. pero maghanap kayo ng puno sa buong pilipinas, saging lang ang may puso. sagin lang ang may puso! saging lang!
- mark lapid in apoy sa dibdib ng samar (galing sa isang sikolohistang nagmemed. nababaliw na yata.)

***

i like dead end signs. i think they're kind. they at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere.
- bugs bunny

***

you are never lonelier
than when you are in love. In the sunless hours
of the morning, no one sees you folding up
the cocktail parasol from the last drink you shared,
its paper the color of an ancient summer sky
no longer able to shield you from so much rain.

- naya valdellon, double takes

***

the same ethereal yellow that defines the forms of streetsleepers, with the conspiracy of shadows, renders faceless other creatures of the night that have bred in its hallowed if unholy grounds – aliens out for a good fuck, or even locals in an attempt to while away the domestic political, as well as personal, hubris. most of these are artists, some self-proclaimed, and they are indubitably masters at blending, stirring, and evolving the banal atmosphere of this place.
- an essay on how malate bewitches (still in the works. hehe)


***

nangyayari minsan na hindi na nalalaman kung ano na ang nararamdaman. iibig ka na nga lang ikaw pa ang masasaktan. ang pag-ibig hindi lang pananatili. minsan, pagpaparaya, pagpapaalam sa hindi mananatili. malimit, ang pag-ibig ay hindi lamang ang kagandahan ng isang bulaklak, kung hindi ang halimuyak niyang alay pagkatapos niyang, at bagaman siya’y nalusak...
- ramblings, 27 aug 06

***

three special people you meet in life: the one you love, the one who loves you, and the one you spend the rest of your life with. sadly, these three people are usually not the same person: the one you love loves someone else; the one who loves you may never be the one you love; the one you spend your life with is neither, but she may just be the right person who is in the right place at the right time.
- my version of the text message of a friend with a “terminable bigamous relationship”

***

ibig ng pisngi
dantay ng kanyang labi
muli at muli
- my version of a friend’s haiku

***

To love somebody is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision?
- Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (a passage I came across while editing an ecclesiastical journal, 3:34 am, 26 aug 06)

***

andre agassi is retiring. cant help but feel nostalgic. used to watch that crazy player as a young tennis fan. michael chang was still around. and my idol, pete sampras. when agassi married brooke shields, i thought it was a gimmick. it was just part of his rash nature and rebellious image, i guess. but after they broke up, there was hope. and he fulfilled that. he came back, balding and far more mature at his game. cant forget his finals match (I think that was the only one) against sampras at the US Open in 2002. he lost, but part of me thought he gave that one, because coincidentally, that was sampras’ last professional game (i had similar sentimental musings when sampras retired after his 14^th, and record, Grandslam win).

agassi is one of the greats. for the unlearned, he is one of only five players to win all the five Grandslam Tennis events in their careers: Wimbledon, The Australian Open, The US Open, and the French Open (which he won after his return from that bloody marriage), and the first on all three official game surfaces: clay, grass, and hardcourt (before there were only two surfaces – clay and grass).

as of this writing he has just extended his play at the US Open by entering the 2^nd round. he’s up against much younger and much stronger players now. if he reaches the quarterfinals, that will be damned near miraculous. whatever happens to him, he has my salute – a humble bow of reverence to one of the greats in the gentleman’s game, from an amateur player who also once dreamed (highly) of playing in the pros.

The words may come from the fence-sitter part of me who sees all these friends and other people around me in sticky situations. Although I may have been in some of the situations, most of the time I am out of the situation, a mere observer on a bench by the Manila Bay on a Sunday afternoon. Or while walking around on my own in some mall.

I think too much. That only makes my words more theoretical than anything, even if they are logically, structurally valid.

So thank the gods, not me, if you find that my ramblings make sense, whether they be about family, career, or relationships.

---------------------------------

"fides et ratio binae quasi pennae videntur quibus veritatis ad contemplationem hominis attolitur animus. deus autem ipse est qui veritatis cognoscendae studium hominum mentibus insevit, suique tandem etiam cognoscendi ut, cognoscentes eum diligentesque, ad plenam pariter de se ipsis pertingere possint veritatem."

(faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of the truth; and god has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth--in a word, to know himself, so that, by knowing and loving god, men and women may also come to the fullness of truth about themselves.)

- ioannes paulus ii, fides et ratio


***

where are you?

----------------------------

Comment: Religion. It's just FAITH. No more questions.

***
it's precisely because of questions that john paul ii apologized for galileo. for the inquisition. it's precisely because of questions that doctrines--the very rules that regulate faith--have evolved. some have become more refined, some more abstract.

touche.

if you believe without thinking, go ahead and jump before the path of a train. i guarantee you'll be saved. from ridicule. because you'll be dead, anyway.

***
faith is at two levels. the personal and the institutional. at the personal level, we can believe what we want. but for religion as an an institution, that cannot be. that's why we have doctrines at the institutional level, to regulate our faith. kaya may kumpisal o komunyon, halimbawa. if we dont pay attention to what the church says, religion as an institution is dead.

look at the trend. it is the church that is bending backwards these days. terri schiavo. inculturation. immersion theology (is that what it's called? i forget.). songs in church used to be more solemn, not those pop, love-song sounding songs that we have these days. for evangelization purposes, at rallies and other convocations, fine, do rap or metal. but please, not during the holy sacrifice of the mass.

well, what do we care about institutional religion? we should a lot.


***
now, the rantings that have appeared elsewhere in this blog are my take on faith on the personal level. but note: i pray. even if its just to curse the heavens at times. but i raise my voice to the unseen. in other words, people, i believe in a god (technically, though, i'm a deist, like i've said countless times.).


but jeez, even at the personal level, i cannot reconcile a lot of things. i can't just have faith. i can't just believe. there should be reason for the belief, even if it's not an underlying, ultimate, fundamental reason. there must be plausibility.

why? simple.

if religion is just belief without reason, then it would fall much more easily to mere stipulations.

if it so happened that what was preached first as good was that which we consider today evil, we'd all be having sex or slitting each other's throats and offering these acts to satan for blessings. on the streets. would it matter that we recognize the pain, grief, loss of dignity, loss of life caused others? why would it? we'd believe.

but throughout human existence, we've always tended to that which felt good. pleasure instead of pain, dignity and well regard instead of shame, integrity of body instead of breaching it with piercings satanic or otherwise. you know, what we now know as the good stuff. these have become our reasons for adopting what we believe in our respective religions.

***
so then. it is not fatal to faith if it is questioned. that's how the nicene creed came about. the original creed was attacked and seen to be insufficient. that's how the our father was refined to its present formula.

those are just formulas, words, faith is much broader, you say?

then that means you don't think about the meaning of the words, try to picture what they refer to when you recite them. wow, i score one over you.

and you tell me to be better in my faith by just believing and not asking questions?

if a prayer is given canonical blessing for recitation and it says to strike those i dislike with lightning, i will just recite it without pausing to consider its value and catholicity? i dont think so.

***
i want to improve my faith. find better, stronger reasons for it so i can defend my being catholic, or discuss it with those of other religions intelligently, or, god help me, even convince others to join in.

i cant do that without asking questions.

***
your move.

--------------------------------

no amount of candy-coated statements will cheer me up. damn it. either people are naive or are trying to be blind.

i am not miserable. i am angry. can i be angry because im miserable? yeah, but not necessarily. and not in my case. not right now. im just pissed at how stupid idiots can be at not realizing how lucky they are.

i dont need sympathy, good god. i live my life better than most do theirs, even with my limited resources.

or maybe people are scared by reality, by what goes on in the world. or their world. in which case, they should admit it and say it! to friends, to people they love.

rather than candy-coat things with statements that border on the negative (i.e., negating, trying to deny, in denial).

rather than be misunderstood and get in trouble when they open up to the wrong people. or worse, random people.

i should know. i misunderstand and get misunderstood, too.

for chrissakes, did anybody read nietzche? what most people see as "hope", "faith"... it's fucking defeatist.

wala. galit lang ako. i wish you didnt exist.

---------------------------

i just finished the entire series of love of the condor heroes (return of the condor heroes in china; leave it to filipinos to change the title to accentuate the love angle. pati constitution natin may love. pakshyet.). it's nice. shallow, but nice try. and EXTREMELY pretty lead actress. at first i thought 19-year-old crystal liu (liu yifei) was the most beautiful tear-shedder ive seen. then i remembered that in their work, actors are given this liquid they put in their eyes a la visine drops to make them cry more easily (unlike here in the philippines where the talent of actors is gauged by a pretty face (very relative), the ability to imitate (like monkeys would) a few dance steps, and a sign of a voice (it doesn't matter if you cant sing, for as long as you can read the lyrics from the teleprompter). but the most important thing is that an aspiring actor must know how to cry. EVERYTHING depends on it. that's why there is no grace in our actors' acting sometimes. not like actors in other countries. in condor heroes, they use the eye drops. if you did not know that, you'd probably think they were the most graceful criers you've ever seen, shedding tears without so much a flinch of the cheek. if you didn't know they merely used eye drops, you'd think that they have so much strength. that's acting for you. good acting. you dont have to really cry all the time.

okay. (it's not obvious that i hate how most filipino actors act, is it? i dont watch filipino movies, as a rule.) condor heroes was intended to be an epic. there are many elements and side stories. methinks the novel (yes, the series was based on a novel) was patterned after tolkien, it's very tolkienish. it's even got its own lothlorien forest (yung valley na kung saan papakasalan sana ni xiaolongnu yung matandang lalaki). of course, all the kung fu training and tricks with names that sound like kama sutra labels is chinese (here we go again. but anyway, the original developer of kung fu as an exercise for indolent praying monks was an indian monk in self-exile in china. the kama sutra is indian, get the connection? haha!). but what's funny about the series is the music. i dont know if GMA 7 retained the original music from the chinese original, given the local dubbing. but in the chinese version, the music may sound very familiar. you will hear music themes from The Lord of Rings, Harry Potter, Ruoruni Kenshin, Cinema Paradiso, as well as a song by Josh Groban and another love song by a female artist that i cannot remember as of now. IM NOT KIDDING! i hope they all have been permitted to be used. Condor Heroes gets a little dragging near the end, though, when lady dragon disappears for the final time. oops. tapos na ba yung sa gma? hehe

maxim philippines
the person responsible for introducing maxim to me (or, more accurately, introducing to me the very bright idea of buying any good foreign magazine that i want at Booksale, where they are sold much more sinfully cheaper), was Irran Fernandez, who now works for a media outfit that distributes the more expensive international versions of magazines like Candy and FHM. since then, ive bought dozens of Maxim, Stuff, National Geographic, Time, GQ, and Life magazines. at a recent spree at the Booksale in the Megamall, curiosity got the better of me so i bought the lauch issue of Maxim Philippines, with the very gifted Angelica Panganiban on the cover (seriously, my dear xiao goo nyang, you look absolutely nubile. that makes it all the more sinful to look at you in whichever and whatever manner). but anyway, i bought the magazine out of curiosity because ive always preferred maxim and stuff over fhm, whether the local or the international version. fhm philippines is just disgusting. it has become the glossy version of Tiktik. maxim and stuff are more controlled, and funnily, wittily so. and my verdict on maxim philippines is that it carries on the tradition of its foreign counterparts, but i think it may have been a bit too mild. even the other contents are bland. of course the magazine is, page for page, patterned after the international editions when it comes to sections and topics. it's literally any other maxim magazine but with filipino faces, products, etc. the newborn is limited in terms of people, too. i think half of the mag had rovilson fernandez (one of the editors) in it. come on. look somewhere else for other people/models. but hey, it's just the start. so let's look at the follow-ups. i hope maxim ph keeps it up and does not become smuttish like fhm ph has become. but i hope the succeeding issues will be more interesting and intelligent and witty (maxim ph's version of hiroki is just pitiful). but im a maxim fan, so, more power!

weird
you know those tests online or in email forwards that "determine" if you're one of the usual crowd or not? those that uncannily guess at the end what you have been thinking all along? and if you happen to have been thinking about the usual answer, you're "part of the 98 per cent", which, i suppose, means that you're with the normal people? well, ive just been given a test again by a new pesky friend, and for the nth time im in the other two per cent. i dont know if being not a part of the 98 per cent is good or bad. i know i think unusually. always have. but is that a sign of superiority or incapacity?


***
ilusyonado talaga ako, glad. i should stop.

-------------------------

"May the Lord and his blessed Mother give me STRENGTH... I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR THE SAKE OF MY SONS!" - 10 January 1991

"My sons are my only LIFELINE now." - 15 April 1991

"But my SONS want me around for moral and spiritual support. They need me yet." - 19 April 1991

"I still can take anything because I want to see them be successful too in the future." - 22 June 1991

"Our pride and joy... Izzy graduated Valedictorian in high school at the Immaculate Conception Minor Seminary, Vigan, Ilocos Sur. He passed the NCEE with a rating of 99%. He was admitted at the College of Commerce, University of Santo Tomas. He also passed the college entrance exam at De La Salle Univ." - March 1992

"Our pride and joys... Drexel graduated Valedictorian in high school at the Immaculate Conception Minor Seminary, Vigan, Ilocos Sur. He passed the NCEE with a rating of 99%. He was admitted at the College of Nursing, University of Santo Tomas. He also passed the college admission tests given by U.P. and De La Salle University. Eldric Paul remained the top pupil in his class. First Honors in Grade IV. He also topped the ALPES test, division level and received certificates of recognition, district and division levels for being champion in academic contests." - March 1993

"My son promised me that he would do as I say... for my sake, he will make good in his studies so that his ambition in life will be realized. Drexel and Eldric put out their hands to Izzy's and together they promised in front of me that as long as I am there with them they'll show their father that they will succeed... I hushed them. I just told them not to utter any more words... just make their dreams come true... I thank the Lord for giving me STRENGTH to face all these... to be always there when my sons need me." - Summer, 1993


***

the promise is still on. happy birthday, ma.